Workout

This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. A must to read !!

DIARY For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear)

purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer. I'll call him Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and a model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed please with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Whoo Hoo !!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week !!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy bar into the air - then he put weights on it !! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT !! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to stimulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators ?? Bruce told me it would help to get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a halfan hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps !! And if you don't wants dents in the floor, don't hand me the $@#$*~ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I'm sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why wouldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director ?

SATURDAY:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *%#@& Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the church van pick me up for services today, so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the bastard) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy !!