The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

I got a sweater for Christmas . . . I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes . . . I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"