Something to think about next time you fly the friendly skies
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I'm going
to switch the seat belt
sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land...it's a
bit cold outside,and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us
the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over
the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a
Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because
after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate
your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
just like every other
seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now
which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them
fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, no body loves you or your
money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of
an emergency water landing,
please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will
be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children
or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message. "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight
attendants in the industry...unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12.. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
windy and bumpy
day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard
landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate."
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain
seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his plane into the runway really
hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except
for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot,
"what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came
on with, "Ladies and
gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt up against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of us here at US Airways."