You know you're in California if:

• You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
• It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work and hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
• Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
• You can't remember . . . is pot legal?
• You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
• You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
• You can't remember . . . is pot legal?
• A really great parking space can move you to tears.
• The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
• Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment does.
• Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
• It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "THE STORM!"
• Hey . . . is pot legal?
• Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
• Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
• A family of four owns six vehicles.
• Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
• Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
• Yeah, you're sure . . . pot is legal.
• And finally, a question: Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.